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Jokes and riddles
(518 Messages in 52 pages - View all)
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150.       catwoman
8933 posts
 09 Oct 2008 Thu 07:31 am

THINGS YOU´D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK (but probably shouldn´t)

1. I can see your point, but I still think you´re full of shit.
2. I don´t know what your problem is, but I´ll bet it´s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you´ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I´m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I´ll try being nicer if you´ll try being smarter.
7. I´m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. It sounds like English, but I can´t understand a damn word you´re saying.
9. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
10. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don´t give a damn.
12. I´m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
14. I´m not being rude. You´re just insignificant.
15. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
16. Do I look like a people person?
17. This isn´t an office. It´s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
22. I´m trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. Can I trade this job for what´s behind door #1?
24. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
25. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
26. Oh I get it... Like humor... But different.

151.       teaschip
3870 posts
 09 Oct 2008 Thu 09:57 pm

 

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To:  All Managers

 

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don´t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it´s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

152.       catwoman
8933 posts
 09 Oct 2008 Thu 10:14 pm

 

Quoting teaschip

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To:  All Managers

 

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don´t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it´s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

 

lol

153.       catwoman
8933 posts
 09 Oct 2008 Thu 10:20 pm

Subject: FW: continuing ed for men



WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY
 
Note: due to the level of complexity and difficulty, ea ch course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

The course is over two days and the topics covered include :


     DAY ONE

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Round table discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES & SILVERWARE;
    DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
    Debate among a panel of exper ts.

    REMOTE CONTROL
    Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming
    Open forum


     DAY TWO

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
    DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
    Group discussion and role play

    HEALTH WATCH;
     BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
    Power-Point presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the one man who did
 
    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
    Driving simulation

    LIVING WITH ADULTS;
    BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
    Online class and role playing

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
 
    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU´RE GOING TO BE LATE
    Bring your calendar or PDA to class

    GETTING OVER IT;
    LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
    Individual counselors available

154.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:47 am

Nobody commented on the continuid education for men post! {#lang_emotions_rant}

155.       libralady
5152 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 10:47 am

 

Quoting catwoman

Nobody commented on the continuid education for men post! {#lang_emotions_rant}

 

 Oh you poor popsy!  I thought it was very funny and I shall be employing some of these lessons in my own house.................even after 32 years he still "forgets" everything I have ever taught him! {#lang_emotions_lol}

156.       Trudy
7887 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 11:31 am

 

Quoting libralady

 Oh you poor popsy!  I thought it was very funny and I shall be employing some of these lessons in my own house.................even after 32 years he still "forgets" everything I have ever taught him! {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 Are there really men who can learn all this?

157.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 01:54 pm

 

Quoting libralady

 Oh you poor popsy!  I thought it was very funny and I shall be employing some of these lessons in my own house.................even after 32 years he still "forgets" everything I have ever taught him! {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 

Quoting Trudy

 Are there really men who can learn all this?

 

 

Muhahahhahahaha {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

158.       Trudy
7887 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:10 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

Muhahahhahahaha {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 I take that as a ´no´? lol

159.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:29 pm

This thread is getting increasingly anti men..{#lang_emotions_rant}

(ah..of course, most of you recently discovered that you are all lesbians..)

160.       Trudy
7887 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:32 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

This thread is getting increasingly anti men..{#lang_emotions_rant}

(ah..of course, most of you recently discovered that you are all lesbians..)

 

 Can the truth be ´anti men´? lol lol

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