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Jokes and riddles
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170.       lady in red
6947 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 11:16 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

The Home Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don´t get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that´s how the game is played.

Quoting catwoman

This is very offensive and quite asshole-like, primitive, and sexist in a fascistic way. I thought that a mature man like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

 

 lol lol lol lol lol - where did you get the idea he is mature!!  lol lol lol

 

(BTW I thought your last post was very funny!!! - Not only mature but 100% true as well {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

171.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 01:02 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

Quoting thehandsom

The Home Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don´t get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that´s how the game is played.

 

 

 lol lol lol lol lol - where did you get the idea he is mature!!  lol lol lol

 

(BTW I thought your last post was very funny!!! - Not only mature but 100% true as well {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

yeah yeah.

Feminist beach voleyball team with its captain, catwoman playing again.

(omg..look at their unshaved legs and hair from their armpits {#lang_emotions_scared} )

 

172.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 06:24 pm

I spend some times translating this in another thread. it is better not wasted (I find it funny anyway)

 

’93 Harbi çýktýðýnda, Lâzlar toplanýp Abdülhamid’e telgraf çekmiþler: Padiþahým, bize 40,000 tüfek ver; biz varýp Moskofun haddini bildiririz. Sultan düþünmüþ; vaziyet zaten kötü, ne kaybederiz? “Verin Lâz kullarýma 40,000 tüfek” buyurmuþ. Lâzlar düzülmüþ Trabzon’dan yola; Zigana geçidine varmýþ ve birden, zýnk diye durmuþlar. Geçidin sað baþýnda, kayalarýn üzerinde bir Kürt þaki, uzaklara bakýyor. (Ahmed aðabey bu noktada elini gözlerine siper eder ve tekrarlardý: “Aþaðýdaki Lâzlara hiç bakmýyor, uzaklara bakýyor.” Sola dönmüþler; orada da ikinci bir Kürt þaki, aþaðýdaki Lâzlara deðil, sadece uzaklara bakýyor.... Dönmüþler Trabzon’a; Ýstanbul’a bir tel daha çekmiþler: “Sultaným, Zigana geçidini iki Kürt eþkiya tutmuþ. Sen hele bir bölük jandarma gönder, geçidi açsýnlar, sonra biz gene varýr Moskofu tarümar ederiz.”

 --------------------------------

During 1877-1878 Ottoman -Russian war, lazs (people from the black sea region) sent a telegraph to Sultan  Abdülhamid : "our sultan, sent us 40.000 rifles. we will go and teach Moskov a lesson". Sultan thinks about it a bit: "The situation is not great and what do we lose?" and he orders "give 40.000 rifles to my laz subjects ".

Then lazs start to travel from Trabzon (a northern city). When they arrive to this place called Zigana passage (in the mountains) they stop abrutly. Because they see a Kurdish brigand on the right side , on a rock and he looking far away (not looking at lazs). They turn to the left, another Kurdish brigand. He is looking at far away too..Then lazs turn back to Trabzonand send another telegraph to Istanbul. "My sultan, two Kurdish brigands are holding Zigana passage, please send some  gendarmes so they could open the passage , then we go and deal with Moskov""

173.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 06:33 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

yeah yeah.

Feminist beach voleyball team with its captain, catwoman playing again.

(omg..look at their unshaved legs and hair from their armpits {#lang_emotions_scared} )

 

Handsom, this is really a teenager response. I know you think it´s funny, but many people out there take it seriously. Do you really find demeaning women such a good ´joke´ topic? And, I would like to check if your legs are shaved first before you can have any business in making comments about mine. {#lang_emotions_you_crazy}

174.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 11:48 pm

85 rules how to be ´one of the guys´ continued...

 

21.  Don´t have a clue.

22.  If you get a clue, pretend you didn´t and disregard it.
23.  No means yes.
24.  Yes means no.
25.  If you don´t get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even     die. This is one of the most important rules.
26.  If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
27.  Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
28.  Feelings? What feelings?
29.  Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it´s not true or kick their ass.
30.  Lie, I tell you!!
31.  DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
32.  Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. TWIST.
33.  At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
34.  Lie.
35.  "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don´t even THINK about saying it.
36.  A general rule: If whatever you´re doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it´s really not worth it.
37.  Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
38.  Don´t read anything unless it has pictures of naked women, fast cars, or fast bikes in it. 39.  And make sure you do all your reading while sitting on the john.
40.  Apologize whenever it´s expected. NEVER mean it.

...

...

...

175.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 11:51 pm

This is very offensive , primitive, and sexist. I thought that a mature girl  like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

176.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 11:58 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

This is very offensive , primitive, and sexist. I thought that a mature girl  like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

 

Did you come up with this on your own? {#lang_emotions_lol}{#lang_emotions_you_crazy}

177.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 12:00 am

 

Quoting catwoman

Did you come up with this on your own? {#lang_emotions_lol}{#lang_emotions_you_crazy}

 

I am dedicating this to you Catwoman

 

Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer. Here´s a common example.

"DO I LOOK FAT?"

There is no answer to this question that won´t be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don´t know" means yes. "It doesn+t matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn´t work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO

Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasise about her?
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my hair this way?

178.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 02:18 am

I would say the above is good advice for women when dealing with men too.  May I change your first paragraph though as follows:-

 

DOES SIZE MATTER"

There is no answer to this question that won´t be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don´t know" means yes. "It doesn+t matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn´t work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

 

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO

Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasise about him?
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my beard/moustache/hair/shirt?

179.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 02:45 am

 

Quoting TheAenigma

I would say the above is good advice for women when dealing with men too.  May I change your first paragraph though as follows:-

 

DOES SIZE MATTER"

There is no answer to this question that won´t be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don´t know" means yes. "It doesn+t matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn´t work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

 

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO

Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasise about him?
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my beard/moustache/hair/shirt?

 

this is cheap imitation

 

JUST SAY NO

Is there someone else? we dont ask this question..we just get jealous
Do you still fantasise about him? we dont ask this question..we leave
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

Do you still love me? I think, we ask this very very rarely
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my beard/moustache/hair/shirt?

 

180.       catwoman
8933 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 03:08 am

With special dedication to thehandsom:

 

JUST SAY NO

Are you attracted to someone else?
Are all these guys at work having a crush on you?
Do I have any issues with communication and showing affection?

 

JUST SAY YES

Am I still any good in bed (are you ever NOT faking)?
Do you ever want to see me other then the day I get paid at work?
Do you like my beer belly and bald scalp?


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