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Jokes and riddles
(518 Messages in 52 pages - View all)
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100.       Avalon
381 posts
 07 May 2008 Wed 10:11 pm


Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people

Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief:
Cold storage

Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn

Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

Mosquito:
An insect that makes you like flies better

Yawn:
An honest opinion openly expressed

Secret:
Something you tell to one person at a time
Atom Bomb: An invention made to end all inventions.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Classic: A book which people praises, but do not read.

College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually looks forward to the trip.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

101.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 25 May 2008 Sun 11:38 am

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...


Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

102.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 11:28 am

Quoting thehandsom:



I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.



This one's grand

103.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 12:34 pm

-What do dyslexic agnostic insomniacs do?
-Stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.

104.       lady in red
6947 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 01:13 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:

-What do dyslexic agnostic insomniacs do?
-Stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.




ah! ah! ah! lol lol

105.       libralady
5152 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 04:46 pm

Quoting thehandsom:

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...


Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."



I am so fortunate, that I have not heard any of these lol lol lol lol lol

106.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 10:50 pm

MATH
Smart man + smart woman = Romance
Smart man + dumb woman = Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = Marriage

107.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 19 Jun 2008 Thu 12:13 am

Men's Guide to Women's Language

She's says It means
---------- --------

You want -- You want

We need -- I want

It's your decision -- The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want -- You'll pay for this later

We need to talk -- I need to complain

Sure, go ahead -- I don't want you to.

I'm not upset -- Of course I'm upset, you moron.

You're so manly -- You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive -- Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!-- I'm on my period!

This kitchen is so incovenient-- I want a new house.I want new curtains and new carpeting, and new furniture...

I heard a noise -- I noticed you were asleep

Do you love me? -- I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me?-- I did something today that you're really not going to like.

You have to learn to communicate-- Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me??-- [To late, you're dead!]


Yes -- No

No -- No

Maybe -- No

I'm sorry -- You'll be sorry

I'm not yelling -- Yes, I'm yelling because I think this is important

108.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 19 Jun 2008 Thu 09:33 am

Women's Guide to Men's Language

Men's Dictionary

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay

109.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 29 Jun 2008 Sun 02:54 am

Rules that guys wish women new

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
7. Shopping is something we will never enjoy.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
13. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
17. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
18. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
19. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
20. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
21. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
23. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
24. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
25. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
26. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

110.       catwoman
8933 posts
 29 Jun 2008 Sun 03:07 am

What Men REALLY Mean ...

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means...."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means...."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures, and has a better driving record than I have."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...."As long as you don't expect me to paint it. In which case I like the color it is NOW nust fine."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means...."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means...."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...."I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, blood, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address and eye color of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means...."Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely cueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...."I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...."You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't let her try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find any clean socks, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."I'm starting to like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...."Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...."I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means...."It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her." s
Really means.... "She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...."Let's go someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

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