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Jokes and riddles
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110.       catwoman
8933 posts
 29 Jun 2008 Sun 03:07 am

What Men REALLY Mean ...

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means...."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means...."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures, and has a better driving record than I have."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...."As long as you don't expect me to paint it. In which case I like the color it is NOW nust fine."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means...."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means...."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...."I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, blood, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address and eye color of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means...."Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely cueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...."I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...."You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't let her try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find any clean socks, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."I'm starting to like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...."Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...."I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means...."It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her." s
Really means.... "She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...."Let's go someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

111.       geniuda
1070 posts
 02 Jul 2008 Wed 08:35 am

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

:-S lol

112.       lady in red
6947 posts
 02 Jul 2008 Wed 10:52 am

Quoting geniuda:

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

:-S lol



Yes I could read it! Does that mean though that 45/100 people would NEVER understand what it said?? Can't believe that

113.       Leelu
1746 posts
 02 Jul 2008 Wed 09:14 pm

Quoting geniuda:

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

:-S lol


and hree I tohugt it was ginog to be duficlfit! I raed it esay aslo!! lol lol lol

114.       libralady
5152 posts
 07 Jul 2008 Mon 04:11 pm

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory two meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(1 After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.'

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

115.       libralady
5152 posts
 07 Jul 2008 Mon 04:18 pm

Girl Power! Have a go, it is harder than you think

116.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 01:07 pm

Today´s discussion reminded me of that (now, why would a men give it all up? )

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954


* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you´ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children´s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

* Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

* Some don´ts: Don´t greet him with problems or complaints. Don´t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

* The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

117.       Trudy
7887 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 01:38 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:

Today´s discussion reminded me of that (now, why would a men give it all up? )

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954


* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you´ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children´s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

* Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

* Some don´ts: Don´t greet him with problems or complaints. Don´t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

* The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.



Wow! I think I´ll change my gender.... lol

118.       Trudy
7887 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 01:41 pm

Quoting geniuda:

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno´t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

:-S lol



Only the 8th word of the second part I can´t read (uesdnatnrd). What does it say?

119.       lady in red
6947 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 04:05 pm

Quoting Trudy:

Only the 8th word of the second part I can´t read (uesdnatnrd). What does it say?



It says ´understand´!

120.       lady in red
6947 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 04:07 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:

Today´s discussion reminded me of that (now, why would a men give it all up? )

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954



Damn! So that´s where I´ve been going wrong all these years! If only I´d had this book.......

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