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Jokes and riddles
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160.       Trudy
7887 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:32 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

This thread is getting increasingly anti men..{#lang_emotions_rant}

(ah..of course, most of you recently discovered that you are all lesbians..)

 

 Can the truth be ´anti men´? lol lol

161.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:35 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

This thread is getting increasingly anti men..{#lang_emotions_rant}

(ah..of course, most of you recently discovered that you are all lesbians..)

 

You mean switching directions from anti-woman (mostly posted by YOU Mr. Thehandsom!) to something closer to home?

162.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 03:53 pm

Why it doesn´t pay to get married:

 


Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one en-

gaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks

after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how

best to spice up their sex lives.



After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by

engaging in some S&M role playing.



The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last

Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend´s

office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people

had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather

bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so

aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right

then and there!"



The engaged woman giggled and said, "That´s pretty much my

story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me

waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose

and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only

screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!



The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot

of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over

at Grandma´s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put

on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice,

a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.

I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got

home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down

and yelled, ´Hey, Batman, what´s for dinner?´"

163.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 11 Oct 2008 Sat 02:58 pm

The truth about the  American, British and Ozzie dumbness

 

http://sgsa.gameshowvideos.com/feud.php

164.       catwoman
8933 posts
 11 Oct 2008 Sat 07:29 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

The truth about the  American, British and Ozzie dumbness

 

http://sgsa.gameshowvideos.com/feud.php

 

I am always interested in articles taht start with "the truth about..." {#lang_emotions_unsure} {#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

165.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 17 Oct 2008 Fri 11:47 pm

The Home Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don´t get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that´s how the game is played.

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party.............................   0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a college drinking buddy...................................... -2
Named Tiffany..................................................... -4
Tiffany is a model ............................................... -6
When mingling, you hold your mate´s hand and gaze at her
lovingly...................................................... +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "ol ball and chain" and
pat her on the butt .......................................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you
if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere
near as attractive as you".................................... +2
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she´s
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don´t worry, she´s a lousy
kisser"....................................................... -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that´s it................................. 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

A Night At Home

You watch TV together.............................................   0
You rent a movie.................................................. +1
You rent a movie and it´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY................... +3
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout........... +5
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.................... -1
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool........... -2

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................  -5  
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

Grooming

You trim your nails...............................................  +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends......................................... +2
You don´t shave on the weekends................................... -4
You don´t bathe on the weekends either............................ -8

166.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 01:37 am

Gloves

A young man wanted to purcahse a gift for his new sweetheart´s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart´s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp form wearing."

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

167.       Deli_kizin
6376 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 01:58 am

lol lol lol

168.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 02:01 am

85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS FOR BEING "ONE OF THE GUYS"

  1. Don´t call. EVER.
  2. If you don´t like a girl, don´t tell her. It´s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  3. Lie.
  4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
  6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
  7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don´t want to answer, a grunt will do.
  8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn´t your fault.
  9. Lie.
  10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
  11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don´t ask. People will think you have no penis.
  12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
  13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
  14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
  15. Everyone considers a man more important if he can write his name in urine.
  16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she´s missing and love you for not giving up on her.
  17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
  18. Don´t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
  19. Lie.
  20. Deny everything. Everything.

...

...

...

169.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 03:22 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party.......................   0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a college drinking buddy................................ -2
Named Tiffany............................................... -4
Tiffany is a model ......................................... -6
When mingling, you hold your mate´s hand and gaze at her
lovingly................................................ +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "ol ball and chain" and
pat her on the butt .................................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you
if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere
near as attractive as you"............................. +2
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she´s
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don´t worry, she´s a lousy
kisser"................................................. -6
That woman is her sister.................................... -90
You have one drink, and that´s it........................... 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle. -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted. -18

A Night At Home

You watch TV together.........................   0
You rent a movie............................ +1
You rent a movie and it´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY..... +3
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout...... +5
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep........ -1
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.... -2

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"...................  -5  
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............... -10
You reply, "Where?"..................... -25

Grooming

You trim your nails............................  +5
You trim your nails in the living ro.......... -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..... -15
You shave on the weekends..................... +2
You don´t shave on the weekends............ -4
You don´t bathe on the weekends eith..... -8

 

This is very offensive and quite asshole-like, primitive, and sexist in a fascistic way. I thought that a mature man like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

170.       lady in red
6947 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 11:16 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

The Home Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don´t get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that´s how the game is played.

Quoting catwoman

This is very offensive and quite asshole-like, primitive, and sexist in a fascistic way. I thought that a mature man like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

 

 lol lol lol lol lol - where did you get the idea he is mature!!  lol lol lol

 

(BTW I thought your last post was very funny!!! - Not only mature but 100% true as well {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

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