Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone
MATURITY
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman´s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
GOING OUT
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
WEDDINGS
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
EATING OUT
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in a $20 bill, even though it´s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous. They will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola´s head.
MENOPAUSE
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
TELEPHONE
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
ADMITTING MISTAKES
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
MOVIES
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
CONVERSATION
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie" -- "What, are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size" -- "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys," etc.
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mmhmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn´t it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
FRIENDS
Women on a girls´ night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boys´ night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.
Women who´ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
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