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Jokes and riddles
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210.       alameda
3499 posts
 16 Nov 2008 Sun 06:34 pm

 

Quoting libralady

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ´If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I´ll send you both to the electric chair.´

 

Priceless....be careful what you ask for....

211.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 03:01 pm

Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone

 

MATURITY

 

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

 

BATHROOMS

 

A man has 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman´s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

SHOES

 

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

 

GOING OUT

 

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

 

OFFSPRING

 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

DRESSING UP

 

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

 

 

WEDDINGS

 

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".

Men talk about "the bachelor party".

 

 

EATING OUT

 

... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in a $20 bill, even though it´s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MIRRORS

 

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous. They will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola´s head.

 

MENOPAUSE

 

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

 

TELEPHONE

 

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

 

ADMITTING MISTAKES

 

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

 

RICHARD GERE

 

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

 

MADONNA

 

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

 

 

MOVIES

 

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.

The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

 

CONVERSATION

 

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie" -- "What, are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size" -- "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys," etc.

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mmhmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn´t it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

 

FRIENDS

 

Women on a girls´ night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boys´ night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

 

RESTROOMS

 

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.

Women use restrooms as social lounges.

Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.

Women who´ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

 

212.       catwoman
8933 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 04:43 pm

 

Dogs Vs Men

 

-- how dogs are better then men

 

  • Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  • Dogs miss you when you´re gone.
  • You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
  • Dogs feel guilt when they´ve done something wrong.
  • Dogs don´t brag about whom they have slept with.
  • Dogs don´t criticize your friends.
  • Dogs admit when they´re jealous.
  • Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  • Dogs do not play games with you -
  • except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
  • Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you´re together.
  • Dogs don´t feel threatened by your intelligence.
  • No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
  • You can house train a dog.
  • Dogs are easy to buy for.
  • Dogs are good with kids.
  • Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
  • Gorgeous dogs don´t know they´re gorgeous.
  • You are never suspicious of your dog´s dreams.
  • The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there´s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
  • Dogs understand what "No!" means.
  • Dogs don´t need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
  • Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
  • Dogs do not read at the table.
  • Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
  • You can force a dog to take a bath.
  • Dogs don´t correct your stories.
  • Middle-aged dogs don´t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
  • Dogs aren´t threatened by a woman with short hair.
  • Dogs aren´t threatened by two women with short hair.
  • Dogs don´t weigh down your purse with their stuff.
  • Dogs don´t mind if you do all the driving.
  • Dogs don´t step on the imaginary brake.
  • Dogs admit it when they´re lost.
  • Dogs look at your eyes.
  • Dogs like your size.
  • Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
  • Dogs take care of their own needs.
  • Dogs are color blind.
  • Dogs aren´t threatened if you earn more than they do.
  • Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
  • Dogs are nice to your relatives.
  • Dogs don´t care how you dress.
  • Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

(to be continued)

213.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 04:51 pm

Cat is back with her sexist jokes {#lang_emotions_wtf}

 

===

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

 

Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don´t have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don´t eat cat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Holiday Inns accept men.

214.       doudi94
845 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 05:57 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Cat is back with her sexist jokes {#lang_emotions_wtf}

 

===

 

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

 

Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don´t have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don´t eat cat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Holiday Inns accept men.

 

 

Cat gave waaaaay more reasons!

U only gave 9!

BTW i just finished printing out cat´s joke

Ill put it up in the girls bathroom =D (when our 9 day vacation is over!)

it was 2 pages!

215.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 06:20 pm

 

Quoting doudi94

Cat gave waaaaay more reasons!

U only gave 9!

 

Excuse me, but it is so obvious: her reasons are lacking  substance and gravity...

 

216.       doudi94
845 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 06:24 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Excuse me, but it is so obvious: her reasons are lacking  substance and gravity...

 

i dont know what that means....

:$

217.       Trudy
7887 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 07:18 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Excuse me, but it is so obvious: her reasons are lacking  substance and gravity...

 

 I found hers almost all true while yours..... lol

218.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 07:24 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 I found hers almost all true while yours ARE 200% TRUE.....

 

Thank you Trudy..{#lang_emotions_flowers}

219.       Trudy
7887 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 08:33 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Thank you Trudy..{#lang_emotions_flowers}

 

 Doctoring someone posts is a no-no. Probably also forbidden by 301.

 

BTW Thanks for that very nice PM in which you apologised for everything rude you ever said to me. But don´t be so harsh on yourself, to lash yourself as a punishment is a bit overdone. lol

220.       libralady
5152 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 08:45 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 Doctoring someone posts is a no-no. Probably also forbidden by 301.

 

BTW Thanks for that very nice PM in which you apologised for everything rude you ever said to me. But don´t be so harsh on yourself, to lash yourself as a punishment is a bit overdone. lol

 

 So you found the "un-ignore" button! {#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

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