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General/Off-topic

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Jokes and riddles
(518 Messages in 52 pages - View all)
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220.       libralady
5152 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 08:45 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 Doctoring someone posts is a no-no. Probably also forbidden by 301.

 

BTW Thanks for that very nice PM in which you apologised for everything rude you ever said to me. But don´t be so harsh on yourself, to lash yourself as a punishment is a bit overdone. lol

 

 So you found the "un-ignore" button! {#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

221.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 08:52 pm

 

Quoting libralady

 So you found the "un-ignore" button! {#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

 

Yes I have been un-ignored..{#lang_emotions_rolleyes}

and guess what? She PMed me back.

I am still considering if I should  make her PM public or not..{#lang_emotions_angel}

222.       libralady
5152 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 09:17 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Yes I have been un-ignored..{#lang_emotions_rolleyes}

and guess what? She PMed me back.

I am still considering if I should  make her PM public or not..{#lang_emotions_angel}

 

 A bottle of Raki says you wont make it public {#lang_emotions_alcoholics}

223.       lesluv
722 posts
 07 Dec 2008 Sun 11:45 pm



One morning while making breakfast,


A man walked up to his wife,


Pinched her on the butt and said...


´If you firmed this up, we could get rid of


Your control top pantyhose.´


While this was on the edge of intolerable,
She kept silent .


The next morning,


The man woke his wife with


A pinch on each of her breasts


And said...


´You know, if you firmed these up,


We could get rid of your bra.´


This was


Beyond


A silent response...


So she rolled over


And


Grabbed him


By his


´DANGLER.´


With a death grip in place,


She said...


   ´You know,


If you


Firmed this up,


We could


Get rid of  


The gardener,


   The postman,
       The pool man


                 And  Your brother



 



 



 



224.       lesluv
722 posts
 08 Dec 2008 Mon 11:10 am

Why Santa couldn´t possibly be a man!!{#lang_emotions_lol}

Men can´t pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don´t answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren´t interested in stockings unless somebody´s wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

225.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 08 Dec 2008 Mon 01:19 pm

Lesluv, please DO edit post 223. It ruins the allignment

226.       lesluv
722 posts
 08 Dec 2008 Mon 02:14 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

Lesluv, please DO edit post 223. It ruins the allignment

 

 has the allignment been restored?

227.       lesluv
722 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 12:39 am

A christmas story for those of you having a bad day

 

 

When four of Santa´s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.


Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank
all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, ´Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn´t this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?´


















And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree. {#lang_emotions_bigsmile}

228.       bod
5999 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 04:29 pm

Husband says to his wife:

"If we won the lottery, what would you do with your half?"

 

Wife replies:

"Pack my bags and leave you!"

 

Husband says:

We have won a tenner, here´s your fiver - now f*ck off"

 

229.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 04:34 pm

 

Quoting bod

Husband says to his wife:

"If we won the lottery, what would you do with your half?"

 

Wife replies:

"Pack my bags and leave you!"

 

Husband says:

We have won a tenner, here´s your fiver - now f*ck off"

 

 lol lol lol

230.       bod
5999 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 04:40 pm

A man with no arms and no legs is sat on a towel on the beach.

 

3 beautiful women are walking past and the first one says "poor thing, have you ever been kissed?"   He said no so she kissed him and walked off.    The second woman said to him "poor thing, have you ever been hugged?"  He said no so she hugged him and walked off.

The third woman says to him "poor thing, have you ever been f*ck*d?"  He said no so she replied and said:  "Well you are going to be now - the tides coming in!"

 

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